What Is But What Should Never Be
by TrustTheCloak
Summary: Gilan is suffering. Halt doesn't know what to do. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is to be there.


The broken scream cut through the quiet stillness of the cabin, jerking Halt out of a fitful sleep. His heart sinking with a heavy familiarity, the Ranger hastily threw his blanket back and dashed toward the source of the sound - and oh, how Halt hated this sound. This was the fourth time this week that this scenario had played out.

Because four days ago, Gilan had killed a man.

It had been purely an act of self defense, and Halt was thankful that his student's training had kicked in - had it not, Halt was almost certain that the boy would be dead. The thought made the Ranger nauseous - if that ever happened, Halt truly didn't know what he would do.

However, that fact brought little comfort to someone tormented by the guilt of their first human kill.

Several large strides brought Halt to the doorway of his apprentice's bedroom. Gilan was sitting upright and hunched into himself, harsh, gasping sobs tearing through his throat and wracking his thin frame. His normally soft, expressive blue orbs were blank and glassy, trapping him in a personal Hell. "No, no, no, I'm sorry, I, I didn't want to-"

Then Halt was there, wrapping his arms tightly around his apprentice in an attempt to quell the violent quaking, smoothing down the sweaty blonde hair with a calloused hand. "Shh, it's alright, steady," he quietly soothed. "Shh..." It was amazing how gentle the typically gruff Ranger could be when necessary; and right now, holding a sobbing, trembling boy who was little more than a child, the time most definitely called for it.

Gilan's sobs gradually softened, the fierce shaking slowing to a quaver. "Sorry," the apprentice muttered thickly, roughly scrubbing the tears from his face with his hand, leaving his face a blotchy red. "I didn't... I didn't mean to wake you up again. Sorry."

Halt closed his eyes and heaved a breath, hating seeing his normally bright, ebullient boy in such a state. "Gilan. We need to talk about this. This is the fourth night and it's not getting better."

Gilan's eyes dropped. "I can't," he whispered. "I can't... I don't want to talk about it."

Halt turned Gilan's shoulders and waited until the boy met his eyes. "What happened was not your fault - it was self defense. You did what you had to do to survive."

"I killed him." Gilan's voice cracked.

"He would have killed you," the Ranger replied simply.

Gilan took another shuddering breath. "I can't stop thinking about it... I, I stabbed him and, it was so fast, so _simple_ , it just..." A beat passed. "It's not like a Wargal," he finished softly, drawing his knees up to his chest. The movement made him look impossibly young.

"And it shouldn't be. This guilt, this compassion - it's what makes us human." Halt paused before continuing. "But we can't let it consume us. I don't mean to say that killing is a good thing, but, Gilan, it doesn't make you a bad person. People do less than perfect things when they are trying to survive - and when they have others to protect."

Gilan blinked, processing what was just said. "What do I do, Halt?" His voice was strained.

Halt gave a sad smile. What a world that they lived in - literal children being made to fight in a war. There was only so much innocence that you could protect. "Just keep moving. That's all you can do."

Gilan didn't look completely satisfied with that answer, but he nodded nonetheless. "I'm going to go check Blaze and Abe," the boy said with a small, forced smile as he rubbed his eyes a last time. "Not going to be getting much more sleep, you know?"

Halt watched him go. Gilan was strong; he would be fine.

He would never be completely the same, however, and the thought left a small crack in the Ranger's heart. His apprentice would no longer have quite the same carefree, innocent air.

The fact made Halt mourn.

* * *

 **I've always been curious as to how an apprentice might react to this awful but necessary part of the job. Hope you enjoyed my take on the topic!**

 **As always, reviews are a fanfiction writer's only form of payment, and they are so very appreciated.**

 **Have a lovely week!**

 **-TrustTheCloak**


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